Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
You Might Also Like
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place