Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf