Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
it’s the silliest best thing
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.