Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

WHY?!

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

go easy on yourself <3

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?