Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time