Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
The glory of fall.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
dutch is not a serious language
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH