Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*