Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.