Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
felt that
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment