Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.