Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
You Might Also Like
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you