Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.