Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
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Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”