Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
*exercises sarcastically*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.