Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.