Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Is this a threat?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I’m not sorry.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals