Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
aesthetic
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Big Sex has us all fooled
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.