Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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this has to be peak English
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Cat.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Traveler’s camo
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”