Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!