Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep