Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

smartest karate player in the world

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”