Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
