Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf