Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
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*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
🧠
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.