Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.