Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who wants to go expliring

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.