Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
23. the denim jacket
