Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
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Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
This is a genius move
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
“I’m helping” 😅
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen