Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair