Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
You Might Also Like
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.