Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.