Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
You Might Also Like
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in
Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.