Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
You Might Also Like
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Mornin
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
I think about this a lot
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Lmao the reply
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake