Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
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[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Liquor Store Parking
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
The point of your 20s
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Can you solve the riddle??
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
