Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
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My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Battery falling down a hole
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.