Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
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It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
😂🤣😂🤣
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.