Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Raisins are grape jerky.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds