Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Practicing safe sax
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.