Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
You Might Also Like
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man