Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt