Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is