Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
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-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Holy moly
I thought this was funny lol
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene