Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.

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*priest says a final prayer*
*harambe’s casket is lowered into the ground*
*toddler falls in*


Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.


I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.


If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy


Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.


Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!


Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.


Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.


You can only regret what you remember.