ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up