@Mr_Kapowski

Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.

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@WheelTod

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

@HenpeckedHal

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

@madswill_

TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

*Me unloading full cart*

First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this

@dave_cactus

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

@matt___nelson

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

@jonnysun

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

@OfficeofSteve

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

@karencreets

Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not

@DharBluee

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂