I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?
How about your kid?
TJ Maxx cashier: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
*Me unloading full cart*
First of all, I wasn’t looking for any of this
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not
Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?
Husband: One British girl.
*wife returns from London*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂