Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing