Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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Noah
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.