Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Extremely relatable.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.