Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
How to properly lift a body
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.