Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”