Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.