Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.