Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
![]()
You Might Also Like
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
![]()
![]()
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Nice try Hitler
![]()
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
A friend sent me this.
![]()
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself