Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”