Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that