Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Can Happiness buy money?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue