Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
need him
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok