Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator