Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
me when i smell free food in the break room
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
August 8
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.