Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
road rage
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.