Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
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Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT