Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me