whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
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Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked