whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
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Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
choose your gary
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book