whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
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When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me buying fruit and veg
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.