Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

When your best mate counts as a desk too

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month