Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…