Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie