Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Eat…
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Ok cat haters, explain this…
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Bringing home a sharpie
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
This is me
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.