Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?