Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Honey I made you some hotdog water
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
happy mother’s day❤️
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.