Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
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If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
What a website
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.