Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
you will never know the true number of layers
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair