Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Otters see a butterfly.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend