Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
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Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.