Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
![]()
You Might Also Like
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.