Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

These are too funny not to post 😂

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.