whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them

You Might Also Like


I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.


Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”


*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.


They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes


Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”


It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?


him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak