told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The pen is writier than the sword.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless