I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them
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Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.