@SvnSxty

whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them

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@WakeVII

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

@Jake_Vig

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

@GingerHotDish

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

@jazmasta

They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@david_j_roth

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

@HatfieldAnne

It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?

@AudreyPorne

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak