Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@papasuncle

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

@frankzulla

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

@RainbowJohnJ

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

@Mr_Kapowski

[restaurant]

Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”

[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
“Not possible”

@Aikiwomannc

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

@LittleSquid12

[before eggnog was invented]

wish i could gag but festively

@theshamingofjay

Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.

@BuckyIsotope

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.