whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
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MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Xylophonist Shredding It
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?