whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
One of the best
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
No chill.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.